


Nude Dwarves and Arm Wrestling

by justme123



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Cultural Differences, Dwarf Courting, Fix-It, M/M, Nudity, Shire AU, proposal, seriously everyone gets naked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justme123/pseuds/justme123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whatever he did expect, it was not a gorgeous, toned, glistening King under the Mountain wearing a flower crown... and nothing else.</p><p>Based on uncreativeart's headcannon about dwarven courting. (from tumblr).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ending the courtship.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on uncreativeart's headcannon.  
> "y’all got your soul mark headcanons and long ass courting rituals but my courting headcanon is simply this:  
> Ancient dwarven tradition holds that you strip naked, hack down the door of your intended’s house, challenge their father to an arm wrestling contest, and upon victory you may carry off your mate to be wed. If you lose, you have to put on pants and issue a public apology for flashing your genitals"
> 
> Un-betaed, sorry for mistakes.

Bilbo Baggins was a respectable hobbit. At least, he was before he went running off on an adventure and somehow fell in love with a dwarf king. Though he may have earned the title “mad-Baggins” he still retained his respectable hobbit habits. Including that of courting. 

Thorin had been living with Bilbo in the Shire after what was now known as the battle of the five armies, recovering from his wounds and taking a vacation from his kingly duties. Every day, as tradition held, Bilbo cooked Thorin the best meals possible and brought him flowers from the garden. The tokens were all well received, all he needed was confirmation from Thorin that his sentiments were returned. Then the flower crown would be woven and the wedding bells would ring. Maybe they could invite the company, and Gandalf could provide the fireworks. 

Bilbo was in the middle of cooking his daily offering of food for Thorin, raspberry tarts, when he heard a great banging coming from his front door. He mind quickly flashed to the Sacksville-Baggins’, who were very put out in finding he had not died during the quest, and they had not inherited Bag-End. Maybe if he pretended he wasn’t home they would leave. When suddenly an even larger bang was heard, followed by a great crash. 

Bilbo rushed to his foyer not knowing what to expect. A burglar, Fili and Kili on an unexpected visit, a dragon perchance. 

Whatever he did expect, it was not. Froze in the doorway Bilbo stood staring at a gorgeous, toned, glistening King under the Mountain. He was standing amongst the ruins of Bilbo’s front door, battle ax in hand. Bilbo might of asked what in middle-earth Thorin was doing, had Thorin not been wearing a flower crown... and nothing else.

“I’m told flower crowns are part of the courting traditions of Hobbits.” Thorin said in a husky voice. “Now to proceed with dwarven tradition.”

They did eventually proceed, but only after Bilbo regained consciousness.

...

Bilbo groaned as he came to, not quite remembering why he had fainted. Then it hit him. Thorin. Naked. A hacked up front door.

Dammit he just had that painted.

Suddenly Thorin leaned over him. Bilbo got an eyeful of muscular tanned pectorals. He quickly tried to change his gaze to prevent himself from blushing, but failed when he got another eyeful of... ehem. He felt he must have been dreaming, but in all the other dreams he was unclothed as well.

And in all the other dreams Dwalin didn’t appear in his line of vision as well.

“You alright laddie?” Asked Dwalin.

Bilbo felt like a fish, eyes wide, and mouth opening and closing grasping for words. Eventually things just came out as “What in Smaug’s name is going on?”

Gandalf’s chuckle was heard somewhere in the room. Bilbo frantically sat up and looked about the room. People seemed to be popping out of thin air.

Just as Fili popped out of the kitchen, Kili close behind. 

“Uncle is proposing!” Said Kili. 

“Sorry. What?” Was all Bilbo could muster.

“I said Uncle is proposing. Its a dwarven tradition to strip naked, hack down the door of your intended’s house, and challenge their parents to an arm wrestling contest.”

“But I don’t have parents to arm wrestle. Oh, Thorin, at least cover yourself with a pillow.” Replied Bilbo, who was then about as red as his prizewinning tomatoes. Thorin rolled his eyes, and made no move to preserve his modesty.

“That’s where I come in.” Said Dwalin, “I will be serving as your father.” 

“And I will be the mother,” Said Gandalf.

“And we’re here to watch,” Said Fili.

“Ya, we wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Said Kili, grinning like a madman.

Bilbo felt faint again, naked arm wrestling, only the dwarfs would have such an insane tradition. Not that he didn’t want to get married to Thorin, but Dwalin was twice the size of Thorin, and was likely to break Thorin’s arm off. Then what would happen?

Gandalf sensed Bilbo’s doubts. “If the suitor loses then they must put on their pants and issue a public apology for nudity.”

“He’ll be doing that anyway.” Interjected Bilbo, aiming a pointed look at Thorin.

“And they build and install a new door themselves.”  “He better,” Bilbo mumbled.

“Come on Mr.Boggins! It is a great tradition. You should have seen it with me and Fili,” said Kili.

“I wish I could unsee it.” Said Thorin, to which Fili stuck out his tung.

“If you are all quite finished,” said Dwalin, “let us proceed with the business at hand.”

That it how Bilbo Baggins, a wizard, and two dwarf princes came to be standing around the dining table at Bag-End. Watching two other dwarfs, one fully clothed, and the other completely naked save for a halo of petunias, arm wrestle. 

It had been five minutes yet neither Dwalin or Thorin appeared to have exerted much force. They were frozen in a tableau, hands locked, muscles tight. There expression dark as they glared into each others eyes. The watchers waited with bated breath at the clenched hands to see who would be the first to falter. All but Bilbo, who was watching as the beads of sweat formed on the hard bicep of the Dwarf king. 

As the sixth minute passed the arms of the opponents began to shake from exertion. Here Dwalin was able to push back Thorins hand by an inch.

Fili and Kili erupted into encouraging shouts.

“GET HIM!” “DON’T LET HIM WIN!” “YOU CAN DO IT UNCLE THORIN!” “JUST THINK OF THE WEDDING NIGHT.”

The last comment broke Thorin’s concentration for a moment. Allowing Dwalin to push his hand back even further. Thorin let out a long groan, and squeezed his eyes shut as he put all his energy into regaining the lead. He did.

Somehow he managed to push their hands back to the vertical starting position.

Through clenched teeth Thorin asked Dwalin “What? Loosing your strength old friend?”

Dwalin only grunted back. He really was loosing his strength. Both of them could feel their arms burning and their muscles quivering from being clenched for so long. They were equally matched in strength, now they just had to see who could last the longest. 

Thorin could feel himself going. It was now or he would loose. In one final attempt he gathered all the energy he could muster and pushed as hard as he could on Dwalins had.  
And was able to slam it down on the table. 

Everyone erupted into cheers. Well Fili and Kili did, whooping and hollering. Gandalf clapped politely, and Bilbo was still too dazed at the sequence of events to do more than the same. 

Dwalin and Thorin shook hands, Dwalin still breathless. Thorin on the other hand was clearly very pleased with himself, his chest was puffed out and he was grinning smugly. Half the battle was won, and he was sure Gandalf would be much easier to defeat then Dwalin. Once Dwalin moved to collapse into one of Bilbo’s armchairs Gandalf took his place, and they began again.

Thorin had been sure that Gandalf would easier to defeat. He did not however take into account that all his strength went to defeating Dwalin while Gandalf had all his own strength.

It was infuriating. Here he was, King under the mountain, grappling and groaning against an old wizard who never stopped smoking his pipe and showed not the slightest hint of exertion.

“You know magic’s not allowed for this,” Thorin gasped out.

“Good thing I’m not using any.” Was Gandalf’s frank reply, to which Thorin only responded with a growl. 

Fili and Kili continued to shout encouragements. Dwalin joined in, if “don’t loose that strength now old man,” followed by a hearty laugh could be considered encouragement.

Bilbo watched eagerly from the side. By Mahal, Thorin in all his glory was so hot Bilbo could swear he smelled smoke. Wait.

He smelled smoke.

“MY TARTS”

In a flash Bilbo was gone. So quickly in fact he missed the look of surprise on Gandalf’s face, and did not hear the cheers as Thorin used Gandalf’s distraction to slam his fist on the table. Winning the second match. 

No, Bilbo only ran to find great billows of smoke rising from his oven. Desperately he began moving to open the windows. He grabbed a rag from the table to fan the smoke out of the window. The company remained in the dining room, congratulating Thorin. It was only when Thorin turned to Bilbo to collect his “prize” that they realized what was going on and ran to help. Gandalf began opening extra windows to let out more smoke. Dwalin and Thorin quickly moved items away from the fire. Fili and Kili followed Bilbo’s lead and began attempting to put out the fire. However, they had never encountered a simple kitchen fire before, and became quickly confused when blowing on it made it bigger, and attempting to smother it with the tablecloth only set the tablecloth on fire. 

The smoke continued to grow. It quickly became too much for Bilbo, and for the second time that day Bilbo fainted.

...

Bilbo woke only a short time later. He could hear the chirping of birds and smelt the fresh air. For a moment he felt the peacefulness of the shire. Then he felt strong arms around him and the events of the day came rushing back. 

He opened his eyes to find himself situated in Thorin’s, still very naked, lap. 

“Are you alright love? You must have hit your head when you fell,” said Thorin who was quite concerned for his Hobbit and now his future bride.

Bilbo gawked at Thorin for another moment before turning to see if the fire had consumed Bag-End.

“Don’t worry laddie,” came Dwalin’s voice somewhere off to the side. “Your ovens god a bit of a scorching, but the only thing ruined is your tarts.”

Bilbo breathed a heavy side of relief. Glancing around once again he reassured himself that everyone made it out safely. 

“What of the wrestling?” Was his next inquiry.

“I have won your hand,” said Thorin. Who then helped pull Bilbo to his feet before he knelt in front of the Hobbit. “Now, Bilbo Baggins, will you accept my hand in marriage? Will you become my consort, to love and cherish till the end of our days”

Everything was overwhelming, Bilbo began to feel tears spring into his eyes. 

“Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes,” was all Bilbo could say before he pulled Thorin up and into a heartfelt kiss. A few cheers were heard from Fili and Kili.

It was only when the kiss ended that Bilbo realized Thorin had his shirt halfway unbuttoned. He quickly staggered backwards, rushing to close his shirt.

“What in Smaug’s name are you doing?” He cried.

“But Mr.Boggins, didn’t you accept uncles proposal?” Asked a confused Fili.

“I agreed to marry him. Not be stripped.”

“Yes, we are to be married.” Thorin began, “I have already wrestled the representatives of your parents and won. I have carried you from your home, as tradition. Now all that is left is for me to remove your clothing and we will both speak our vows. Unless of course you have another Hobbit tradition we have yet to complete?”

Bilbo remained frozen in place, weighing his options. On one hand public disgrace, on the other hand marrying Thorin. After a minute he made his decision. 

“Well, I am already called mad-Baggins,” he said, reaching for his shirt buttons. 


	2. Someone to Preform the Ceremony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is dwarfen tradition that the Brides next of kin, besides their parents, must preform the ceremony. Lobelia is not amused.

Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins had the personality of a lemon, sour as they come. For that she rarely got visitors to her humble abode. She wished her abode was not so humble. If she had a fine residence like bag-end she might just get more visitors. Alas, her brother in law was the owner of bag-end. Bilbo didn’t deserve such a fine place. In his 50’s he still never married, never filled the house with kids. He was could not be respected. Running off on adventures and leaving the place empty. Clearly he was more Took than Baggins therefore he should not be granted the right to live in the traditional Baggins home. It simply wasn’t fair. 

So, Lobelia schemed. If she was lucky Bilbo might just return to Ereabren. Edoras? Wherever he went to with that harry dwarf who had no place in the shire let alone bag-end. They should get married and leave Lobelia bag-end so she could have her happy ever after.

Lobelia should have been careful what she wished for.

There was a knock on the door. This put a rare, thankfully as it was very unflattering to an already ugly face, smile on Lobelias face. Visitors! She loved visiting so she could gossip and complain, but rarely did people come and visit her. Any visitor was entirely unexpected.

Even more unexpected than visitors was a naked Bilbo Baggins with his naked dwarf friend with three new clothed dwarfs behind them and Gandalf.

Lobelia stood in her front door with an expression of horror on her face. That Baggins has really gone mad. Maybe that will finally get me the house, she thought.

“My dearest Lobelia,” Bilbo began in an overly sweet voice. “Thorin and I have completed our courtship. Now as per dwarfish tradition we require my closest available relative to complete the ceremony. We would like to get this done as soon as possible, so if you’d please remove your clothes it shouldn’t take more than ten minutes.” 

The door was slammed in his face. As soon as it was shut Lobelia turned away with a disgusted look on her face. Remove her clothes in front of others, the idea was laughable. She was about to go back to her siting room to brood when she heard the deep rumble of the wizards voice.

“Dear me, this is a problem. Without someone to complete the ceremony we can’t get started on packing.”

“Yes,” came the voice of one of the dwarfs. “We should be going back to Ereabor, but without Bilbo married he can’t move out of bag-end.”

With a heavy sigh and look of resignation Lobelia turned back to open the door. Bracing herself for what was to come.


	3. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lobelia gets naked and the happy couple speak their vows.
> 
> I seriously made myself blush writing this. NSFW.

Lobelia was quite proud of her figure. She felt that surly a hobbit woman of 40 should be quite proud if she had a figure like Lobelia’s. So despite the undignified nature of officiating a ceremony naked she held her head high and hoped the dwarfs could control their urges around her.

She did not see Kili gag at the sight of her undressed. All the others were much better at masking their disgust. They might have seen bloody wars, but nothing compared to the horror of Lobelia naked. Nevertheless Bilbo plastered on a smile on his face and pulled Thorin to stand in front of Lobelia. The others gathered behind them.

Once the traditional vows were said the couple moved on to personal vows.

“I, Thorin Oakanshield, King of Ereabor, promise you, Bilbo Baggins, to love you till the end of my days. To forge together a life of happiness. To be as benevolent a husband as I hope to be a king. To be open and honest about all of my emotions. To rebuild your door and issue the public apology you have asked of me. And to fuck you nightly until you are satisfied.”

Thorin receive quite a few guffaws for his last comment, as well as a gasp of horror from Lobelia. 

“I, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, Barrel-Rider, promise you, Thorin Oakanshield, to love you till the end of my days. To cook up excitement and adventure with you. To care for your people as well as I will you. To be the best consort I can be. To bake you cookies and biscuits and will always have fresh flowers in our rooms. And to fuck you more than nightly if you want to.”

Louder laughter was heard at Bilbo’s crudeness, and Lobelia felt even more sick. Without being told Thorin swept his new husband up for a romantic, and quite long kiss. Lobelia immediately grabbed a throw-quilt to cover herself with now that the ceremony was done. Dwalin breathed a sigh of relief. No one wanted to see those jiggling anymore.

“Thank you Lobelia,” Bilbo said once the kiss ended. “We’re going to go have our wedding feast now. I’ll pop by again to say goodbye before we leave for Ereabor.” And with that the party departed, much to Lobelias relief. 

As they were making their way down the pathway to Lobelias house Bilbo turned to Thorin. 

“I’ll be sad to leave bag-end. But now Drogo and Primula will have a lovely home to start a family in.”

A muffled scream could be heard from the Sacksville-Baggins household.

When they were finally out of earshot from the house the whole company burst into fits of laughter.

“Very nice touch with the nudity uncle,” Fili said to Bilbo. Who was confused at first for being called an uncle. “I knew asking her to do the ceremony would be good payback, but asking her to take off her clothes was brilliant. I wish I thought of that.”

"Looks like the dwarfs have a new tradition," added Gandalf with a chuckle. 

Bilbo simply gave one of his smirks, and turned to kiss his husband again. They all continued home like that. Laughing and joking about Lobelia. Not noticing, or not caring, of the strange looks given to them by those they passed.


End file.
